High School/College on Caleb's Personal Writings

Dear Friend

Sat, 31 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Dear Friend

A poem I wrote long ago.

Dear friend, the pain right now
Is too much to bear.
Dear friend, the waves are
Crashing in harder, faster.
Dear friend, I’m not sure
How much longer I can hold on.
Dear friend, right now I
Need an outlet to go to.
Dear friend, I need a light
To shine at the end of the tunnel.
Dear friend, what I need is
Someone I can talk to.
Dear friend, someone who is
Willing to just sit and listen.
Dear friend, someone who actually
Cares with no judgement.
Dear friend, someone who won’t
Abandon ship in an instant.
And that, my dear friend, is
The one, the only, You.

Gifts

Sat, 31 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Gifts

A poem I wrote long ago.

Can I create a masterpiece, a work of art that
Inspires and provokes those who see it?
Can I write a pieces that lifts the soul,
Or brings to light new knowledge, or creates new feelings?
Can I play music that defines a generation,
That transcends time and space through its beauty?
Can I speak with a voice that is powerful, moving,
To stir up a person, a nation, a movement?
No, one of these gifts have I been given,
No, I have but one gift to bestow upon the earth.
My heart is full of love, ready to be poured
Out, to transform the broken and defeated.
But alas, no one is there to receive it! So
My love sits, unused, useless, rotting holes in
My heart until it all flows out, and I’m
Left empty, broken, defeated.

Grace

Sat, 31 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Grace

A poem I wrote long ago.

A man travels down an empty road,
Less traveled or not, he does not know.
He seeks to find what he once lost,
Or never owned, time ever a foe.

He walks in silence, mist swirling,
Looking back and forth for a shine.
He stops to check, nothing, again,
He moves on, missing the sign.

Deep in thought, he ponders all
Mistakes that brought him here.
He knows where he went wrong,
But not how to make it clear.

Isolation

Sat, 31 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Isolation

A poem I wrote long ago.

Loneliness, so familiar is that
Numbing pain, almost a comfort.
But you push on, knowing you
Have escaped a pain far greater.

For an icy heart may be plunged into
The fires of passion to be restored.
But when loves takes bits of the heart,
Its gone; utterly, magnificently, destroyed.

Life

Sat, 31 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Life

A poem I wrote long ago.

Isn’t it funny, how
Inspiration wells, how
Thoughts come and then go, how
Desires rise, fall, oh how.

Isn’t it funny, when
We can sink so low, when
Depression traps us, when
We fall into depths, oh when.

Isn’t it funny, what
Causes this sadness, what
Leads to happiness, what
Changes inside us, oh what.

Isn’t it funny, how
Life leads us to this, when
All now falls apart, what
Will you choose to do, now go!

The Dawn

Sat, 31 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

The Dawn

A poem I wrote long ago.

People always say that things get better
But I prefer a different quote: It’s always
Darkest before the dawn. Because in life,
Things can get really bad, and you can feel
Like you’re in the darkest pit that exists.
Life isn’t always fair, and sometimes all you
Can do is stop, and stare. But this abyss doesn’t
Have to be the end of your story. All you have to
Do is pull the blade from your wrist, stop, and think.
Think to when you experienced true, uninhibited joy,
Think to that time when happiness seemed to radiate.
Now think, is that feeling worth giving up? Is that despair
So great that you can never experience that again? No, and
So you must fight the good fight, press onto victory, for when
You arrive there, your reward shall be more than you know.

The Heart

Sat, 31 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

The Heart

A poem I wrote long ago

A vessel, full of hope, joy, love, compassion
Now is utterly decimated and blackened.
This passionate object, a person of its own,
Only to be crushed and bruised yet again.
This brave warrior fights and fights, not knowing
That if fights a losing battle to reality.
It sees the greatest desires a person knows
But lacks the means to make them truths.
For one that can teach so much good,
It fails to see how the world truly works.
It leads us to fantasies unknown, to
Believe we can achieve if only we have faith.
It never delivers though, the dreams fade
Like a flame, a chasing after the wind.

The Tide

Sat, 31 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

The Tide

A poem I wrote long ago.

The tide rolls in once again,
Returning all that I hoped to forget.
As the tides washes over my feet,
The memories begin to resurface.
Your face is imprinted once again,
Its beauty still radiant after the years.
The way your hair plays with the wind,
The way your eyes sparkle with the sand,
How your smile glistens like the water,
The faintest impressions upon your cheeks,
It all comes rolling in, and I can’t help but smile
And remember all those times on the beach.
We barely met, you were so absorbed in your diary,
Me in the newest novel of my collection. I started talking,
Getting short responses as you tried to resume writing.
I somehow coerced you into drinks that night, and we sat
On that deck overlooking the moonlit beach for hours upon
Hours, until dusk began to rise and we said our goodbyes.
We ran into each other again at the store, and I knew then
We would be together for a lifetime, even if you didn’t.
We had another long night of talk, ending in our first kiss.
It’s been years since that summer on the beach, but the
Memories seem like they were yesterday. And as the tide
Rolls in once again, so do you, beautiful as ever, and we resume
Our lives, once again complete, as the water washes over our feet.

Time

Sat, 31 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Time

A poem I wrote long ago.

Churning, changing, grinding, crushing,
The passage of time moves ever on.
It never ceases, never alters,
Yielding for nothing, no one.

It brings good, evil, happiness, sadness,
Light, dark, joy, rage, elation, anger.
Time cares not for the plight of Man,
For her cares mean nothing to them.

Time has many friends, old and new,
Those who aid her and those who lose.
There is one, Death, older than the rest,
Who gathers all and gives his final test.

Love

Mon, 01 Jan 0001 00:00:00 +0000

Love

A blurb I wrote on love a long time ago. Love is such a term that is tossed about with no true understanding of what it truly is. Love has many different attributes that cover a wide range of issues and ways of living. But, in order to keep this somewhat brief, love is the end-all solution to problems. Love can cover over the discrepancies and faults of others while supporting and saving those who are broken and defeated. The more I study love, the more I realize that it governs the way that we approach every situation, whether it be a healthy love or not. Our actions are completely governed by how we choose to express our love to others, how we choose to put others before ourselves in love or choose not to. The fact is, love can dramatically change every single aspect of your life as long as you just let it into your heart and allow it to change you. I’ve had so many people ask me why I’m willing to buy a drink or some food for people, why I don’t care whether or not people pay me back. That’s just one way I can show love, I can give of my own resources and sacrifice something of myself to help someone else. That’s such a foreign concept in this culture, and it’s almost offensive to not accept reparations for paying for someone else. This continues to astonish me each time, that I choose to do something out of my own heart, while I expect absolutely nothing in return, but that’s a bad thing. Its frowned upon to give and expect nothing in return, because people expect that you secretly are manipulating them into getting something far bigger/worse. This idea that giving with absolutely no end goal in mind except to make a person’s day or to help someone less fortunate than yourself, it’s completely alien. Giving to charities is acceptable, because there’s a preconceived notion that the contribution is going somewhere meaningful, that it is helping someone out. But do it in your own backyard, to your friends or people you come into contact with on a regular basis, and it’s all the sudden taboo. But they fail to see the power that something that small can really do to a person. It can make a depressed and potentially suicidal teenager all the sudden rethink their life and realize that there are people out there who love them, who care enough to go out of their way to give them something for free. I feel this is my calling, not that helping overseas or in poverty-stricken areas is not important, by all means, it’s incredibly important, but there also needs to be a shepherd to stay behind and take care of the flock that’s already in the fold. I see the love that I give out to people fall on deaf ears, to those who are willfully ignorant. But my job is to merely plant the seed and let God grow the fruit, so that’s all I can do, is spread the seed as far as I can and pray that fruit will grow. I suppose my goal is that each day, I do something nice for someone that is to show that person love, plain and simple. These actions do not have to require money or giving something physical to a person, but it could be a simple smile, listening as they talk to you, maybe just a hug as you pass by. These little actions could completely change the course of a person’s day, it could be the saving action that they’ve been longing for such a long time. How could I possibly refuse an opportunity to show love to others and at the same time preach the Good News? I find myself almost depressed with how much showing love is completely thought of in such a bad way. I ask people why it’s such a bad thing that I give of myself, and they never have an answer or one that is so bogus that it isn’t even worth mentioning. I believe that every time you take something, whether it be time, money, or any other resource, and spend it on someone else instead of taking that same opportunity to satisfy yourself, you end up fulfilling what you were looking for in the first place, but at the same time, you have dramatically altered that person; you begin to make that person think about why you would take something that you could easily spend on yourself, but instead you chose to spend it on someone else, to give freely without thinking about what you could possibly gain from such an action. That’s how I want to live my life, I want to live in such a way that people wonder how I could possibly spend so much of my life giving and never wanting for myself, but those people will never realize that I take so much more from the giving to others than I ever could from spending upon myself. When I spend these things on myself, the joy lasts for a moment, the pain subsides for an instant; but when I decide that someone else is in more need or that someone else could benefit more from this gift, the joy sticks around, the pain subsides and then dissipates. I never feel more alive than when I give of myself to someone else, when I take something of myself and give it freely to someone. That’s probably why I’m so bad at relationships, I don’t do a good job of not loving to the fullest extent that I can. When I fall for someone, its either all the way or not at all. There is no inbetween, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t find that middle ground. And maybe I really don’t want to. High school relationships are the most annoying, passive, and ultimately pointless things that I have ever come into contact with. True, some of those last throughout life, and that’s fantastic. But overall, they do absolutely no good except to break your heart multiple times and teach you how to give less of your heart each time. Each time my heart gets broken, I give less each new time I get the chance, and I hesitate longer each time to fully put myself out there for a person to understand. This feeling of rejection is too overwhelming for me to experience time and time again. I hate the feeling, it sickens me and puts me into a state of depression that is nigh impossible for me to get out of. I want to love someone as much as I possibly can, that’s all I know how to do, and in high school, no one’s ready for that. No one wants to be loved so that they feel overpowered by it, they want something way more casual and “fun”. For me, there’s nothing in this world that would be more “fun” or exhilarating than to finally experience that kind of love from another person. But I know it’ll have to wait, because I’m not compromising on someone that I could get a little from and be half-satisfied with myself. I’m waiting until I find someone who will see me, with all the love that I offer and that I will continue to bring, and find that I’m exactly what they’ve been wanting, so in turn they bring out all the love that they have and give it to me, and I find that it’s what I’ve been waiting for my whole life. And in that realizing moment, fireworks will go off in my heart as I begin to understand what this unrequited love has been like; I will finally get a chance to experience something as close as I will ever find on this earth to how God loves me. I simply can’t wait for this time, and it’s worth waiting a thousand years to find. I will wait and try to find this love, for I would rather have night after night of tears and heartache for the one that turned out to not be right, only to eventually find the one that fits the puzzle in my heart perfectly, than to never even try to find that person and live my life with a gap that I know will never be filled. I know that God will always fill my heart completely and that He will always be there for me, but to be able to see that kind of love (as close as is humanly possible) in someone else, and for that love to be directed at me, there are few things that I long for more on this earth.

Post College Musings

Mon, 01 Jan 0001 00:00:00 +0000

Post College Musings

I wrote this to myself right as I was graduating college. How interesting to see yourself in your early 20s speak to their future, with optimism unearned and yet earnest.

Reading back through all of this material, through the thoughts I’ve had throughout high school and throughout college, now that I’m standing on the cusp of graduating college, and long removed from many of the sentiments that have dotted my mind over the past 7 or 8 years, I can see how much pain I was in and how lost I was. While speaking truth about love and how that looks (thanks be to God for those insights and for placing me on that path of truth, for it has defined my life and kept me from falling into the void that surrounded me), I could not see how I did not love myself. I fooled myself into thinking that, if I loved enough and if I gave enough of myself away, I could erase the need to love myself. I’m not sure how conscious this even was, because the knowledge of how much disdain I held for myself didn’t surface until I learned what joy truly was. My body had turned off the capacity for feelings for so long that, when I first felt what joy really was, I almost went into shock. It broke me down, because it was like regaining a sense I didn’t even know I had lost. The real emotions that flooded me couldn’t be stopped, and I didn’t know how to handle all of these coming in all at once, but while this was hard, it was truly one of the most amazing things that has ever happened to me. I felt like a complete person, and because of this catalyst, I was able to figure out so many of the issues that had surrounded me, chiefly being that fact that I didn’t like myself. This revelation hit me like a tsunami, because when I was able to look at myself and say that I actually liked the way I looked, my brain hit me with the massive realization that I had never actually said that about myself, that the thought that I enjoyed how I looked was completely foreign to me. It shook me to my core once again, and from this knowledge, I have now built myself up to be someone who cares much more deeply and much more genuinely, for I have learned that to love truly means that you have to have true love to draw from, and that starts from within, from realizing what God has given you and embracing it. I think the concept of love was lit as a fire within me in high school in order to keep me from completely turning away from Him and from plunging myself into a darkness that I could not escape. This notion of love, though I could not understand it fully when I came to see its importance, is what kept me on the path pointed to Him. I knew it carried great significance, and because of my natural academic slant toward life, I began to zealously investigate what love truly meant, how love was seen by those who had come before me. I did a lot of this research, I spent tens of hours of my sparse free time simply pouring myself into quotes and ideas and notions of how love looked. I started with Christian views and then moved to other views, hoping to gain a well-rounded grasp on the subject. And I learned a lot, but it took me a while to realize that all of these people could speak intelligently on love because they had experienced it, not through reading and research, but by living a life filled with love. It was hard for me to get that because I could not ever embrace the love that lived inside me, the love God held for me and the love I needed to hold for myself. At this current point, I now see how my intellectual pursuit laid a foundation for me to understand what love was when it eventually came rushing into my life, like a dam broken down and releasing a torrent of waters, so love crashed into me once I destroyed the logjam that was my hatred of myself and the lack of experienced emotions. I am now in a great position where I understand love as a concept as well as feel and experience it, and those two ways of knowing love have utterly changed me as a human being. I don’t know how much I ever rejected God, I know in middle school I held such great disdain for Him and refused to believe that such a God could exist who would love me and yet punish me so greatly. I know in high school I believed even though I found it hard to believe so many times. I know in college I struggled with faith when I saw hypocrisy all around me. But God refused to let me go, He refused to let me slip into those negative thoughts and emotions. And because I never truly was lost, now that I have found my way into His light, I can see how absolutely blessed I have been, and how much I have truly grown. This is the point of this writing, so that when you look back at this 7 or 8 years from now (old man), know that you have accomplished so much. I don’t know where you are at this point, I don’t know if you are with someone or not, maybe you’re married, maybe you even have kids. Maybe you’re still single and still living the life that God has placed in front of you. Wherever you are, know this: you’ve never been lost, and you will never be lost, not for long anyway. He’s gonna bring you right back into things, just wait and see. I hope you are as happy as I am now, still living in the joy that is so new to me still. As of the time of this writing, your father has been gone for just under 3 weeks, and that’s hard right now, but I know you’ll get to a good place with it again soon. Keep your head up, wherever you are in life, and know that He loves you so, so much. Keep loving yourself too, never lose that.

Random Fairytale

Mon, 01 Jan 0001 00:00:00 +0000

Random Fairytale

I have no recollection of why I wrote this or any larger context, but it’s fun enough to post here. Interesting notions going on here.

A solitary peak, a mountain looming alone in the distance, surrounded by nothingness. The land is barren, nothing grows, except the mounds of dirt and rocks that are swept up by the howling winds. In this setting, in this environment, how is anything to grow, how can life exist? Zoom in, and there begins to show signs of color on the mountain. Specks of green emerge from their hiding places, knowing that they alone are the life on the mountain. Go closer, and see the creature on the mountainside. Alone, solitary, he moves on, striving to survive on what he can. What can become of this creature, alone, stranded between a rock and nothingness? He moves on, only to find nothing, again. He returns to his cave, awaiting his fate. He dare not see what lies in the lands beyond, for all he can see is the wasteland of a once beautiful garden. Or was it? He couldn’t remember anymore, it had been so long since he had been in that garden. Perhaps it was only his fantasy he maintained for his own sanity. But it remained so vivid in his mind. He could see the beautiful trees and plants that covered the landscape. That was when Spero ruled the land. But when Tristitia came, he overthrew Spero. All that was good died when Spero died. That was when the creature retreated into the cave, for Tristitia did not want one such as him to be in his land. Any life was to be exterminated just for being in the presence of Tristitia. So the creature hid in his cave afraid of Tristitia, refusing to believe that Spero could still be around. Even if she was, Tristitia was more powerful. Or so he thought. There was always the ancient legend that said Spero could always come back, even if only a single soul were to believe in her. The problem was, this creature could no longer believe anything. He had seen too much carnage and destruction and utter despair to ever believe that Spero could return to the land. He had seen so much that it had left him spiritually, and even to an extent, physically, empty. Everywhere he looked, Tristitia was the only thing he could see. As the days turned into months, and the months into years, Tristitia began to creep up the mountainside. The little life left on the mountain was consumed, and the creature was left to starve in his cave. He then knew he had very little options left, he could either starve to death in his cave, or make a run for it and probably be consumed by Tristitia. He decided to do two things, one, he tried, with all of what he could muster in the emptiness inside of him, to believe in the legend of old. He believed that Spero could return, that she could come into this world and make things brighter again. After all, what harm could it do to believe? The second thing he did was run. He ran with all of his might, as fast as he could, across the barren land, hiding behind the mounds of dirt as he kept going. As he was running, he finally saw the trees. He ran, as fast as he could, for those trees, Tristitia close behind. He made it into the trees, but then stumbled and fell. He looked up just in time to see Tristitia bearing down on him, ready to strike. He closed his eyes, bracing for the icy grip that was sure to come. After a few moments, he opened his eyes and saw that, instead to Tristitia standing over him, Serpo was there, protecting him. He couldn’t believe it! He barely remembered what Serpo looked like, but there she was in all of her glory, as beautiful and breathtaking as ever. She struck down Tristitia with ease, and then turned toward the creature. She smiled at him, a gleam in her eyes, and said, “Thank you, child, for allowing me to come back”. The creature paused, puzzled. “Me?”, he said, “What did I do? You defeated Tristitia, you saved me.” She smiled slightly and said, “No, child, that was all because of you. You believed in me again. You let me back into this place. Your belief has made me more powerful than Tristitia could ever be.” With that, Serpo turned toward the wasteland and the solitary mountain, and, with a swift flick of her wrist, she dropped the entire land into a deep pit. She then covered the pit over with new earth, and from this earth the forest began to rise up once again, and the creature, along with Serpo, were able to live their days in pace. Serpo had, finally, defeated Tristitia. The peace would not last forever, but the creature knew that, as long as he believed, Serpo would always trump Tristitia.

The Cliff

Mon, 01 Jan 0001 00:00:00 +0000

The Cliff

A story I wrote long ago.

I drive up to the edge of the cliff, wondering if it’s even worth it or if I should just turn around and go home. I get out, walk to the very edge, and peer over. It’s a long way down, maybe 20 feet. It would definitely kill me. I take a breath and lay down with my head not but one inch from the edge. As I lay there, looking up at the great expanse of stars, memories come flooding in from all directions; memories of happiness and sadness, of joy and pain. The images start dancing in front of me, slowly at first, then faster and faster. Soon the sounds, the smells, the emotions come crashing in, creating a whirlwind of beautiful chaos. I close my eyes and the sensation intensifies; fantasies start melding with realities to where they become indistinguishable. I see all that I have ever hoped for come to fruition, and every pain I have ever experienced fades into the background. I know this can’t be real, but everything I see, all that I feel, makes me long to keep these new memories around. Then a flash of lightning comes cutting across this paradise, and I’m left in suffocating darkness, in this screaming silence that has become my life. I feel the rain start to fall lightly on my skin, and I open my eyes to the darkened clouds that have fallen. I sit up, and begin to realise what has to be done, what the only thing left to do is. I walk back to the edge and peer over. Smiling, I close my eyes, and simply release myself to the void, awaiting the new flood of memories to arrive.

The Climb

Mon, 01 Jan 0001 00:00:00 +0000

The Climb

The beginnings of a story I wrote a long time ago, no idea where I was planning on going with this

I’ve been going for so long now, I don’t know where the bottom is. Where is it, where is it?? Or do I keep going to the top, to find success, to find a way back? Will I even make it back? Too many questions. Keep climbing. And so I go. I move past things I barely recognize, past creatures I think are normal, except for that red glow, of course. That I still am not used to, but hopefully I do not have to be, not for long, anyway. Focus. Keep climbing. These rocks are slippery, the moss coating it all in a slime that sticks to the fingers. The vines don’t help at all, and this mountain seems to create holds that seem impossible to reach. If you make it to the top, the glow will disappear, or so the legend goes. Ah yes, the legend. What a strange story. So many people going on this journey, only one known to return to our village. She told this fantastical tale of monsters, battles, the climb, and of course, that glow, which haunts her to this day. FOCUS. You haven’t climbed in a while, and the roars are starting again. Right. Keep climbing. Why is that glow above me? I thought it was more of something that chased you, something you had to outrun. Unlike those… things, which I’m not sure I could escape if they ever caught my scent. But what were they? They look a lot like squirrels, but bigger, and somehow more… evil, I guess. Maybe more like dogs? I’m not sure. That’s not a good description, but I don’t possess the words to accurately describe them. They carry the glow with them, that much is obvious. Oh look, the glow is gone from above me! Maybe it wasn’t there at all? Idiot! You have to keep going! Right, sorry. Keep climbing. How do I know what that glow will do? Maybe it doesn’t hurt, maybe I can continue on if it reaches me. I mean, it’s just a glow, how bad could it really be? Those legends are just that, legends. Stories. They aren’t really that true. And she never actually touched the glow, just came close. But those creatures definitely have. They carry that glow with them. I wonder if that glow corrupted them, if they were normal at one point, but then the glow reached them and morphed them into something unrecognizable. Or maybe it wasn’t the glow that did that to them, but rather they created the glow. Maybe the glow makes it easier for them to get me. UPWARDS, MORON! Right. Keep climbing. Why did I have to be chosen? That I still do not understand. Why is it that, of all the people in the village, I had to do this? Ben would have been better at it, and Kiera is a much faster climber. Craig knows how to defend himself better, and Sarah could probably create some kind of plant cocktail to protect herself from the glow. Why did they choose me? There are much more qualified people, and if I fail, who knows what will happen to me? To my family? Maybe I’m just underestimating myself. Probably not though. I’ve been pretty average my whole life, and I’m ok with that. I’ve never really wanted anything more than that. And yet here I am, and now I need to figure out what to do. I could just give up, just let go and let the glow get me and see what it does. I could also just keep going and see what happens. I’m so tired though… There! A ledge! I can rest there for a second. Ah, there we go. It feels like it’s been forever since I’ve been able to rest. The glow looks far away now, and the creatures haven’t been seen in quite some time. Maybe I could stay here a while. Maybe I can wait here and think about my decision. FOOL! The glow draws closer! Right. Keep climbing. I wonder if my parents are somewhere around here. I know they didn’t make it, but maybe I can find where they died, maybe give them a proper burial. Maybe they didn’t make it this far. Maybe I won’t make it as far as they did. I have no way of knowing. This mountain seems to grow the more I climb it, I feel like I have made no progress. I wonder if I am simply seeing how long I can outrun the glow before it envelops me and takes me like the rest of those who had gone before me (except Lucy of course, though she will not say how she managed to escape. My guess is that she was touched by the glow and driven mad by its power.) Maybe there’s a cave somewhere up further where I can stay that the glow cannot reach, that I can hide as it passes by. I doubt it, because I feel like someone else would have found such a cave and also escaped, not just Lucy. CLIMB!! Right, sorry. Keep climbing. And so I go. I wonder how much further it is. Maybe it just goes on forever.